Serenity & Agitation. A perfect combination.

I’m in such a painful/happy moment. I’ve never even believed I can undergo this before.

Yesterday, knowing that I was allergic to the make up I used decided to splatter it all over my face, it was pretty painful, and my face has swollen up. It’s a diverse look, I just thought I’d try and face the aftermath, the pain and the well… red face. So, now… I’ve just experienced a joyous but wet moment wear I let my emotions work their ways down my face. I felt it sting, but I was happy… I was too happy the pain felt great somehow. And yet, I feel as if I’ve believed I actually felt this way before.

I just rubbed my eye bags, they feel horrible but I don’t seem to care.

Today, I’ve proven I can be loyal, and am. But those who’ve known me would’ve known I cannot pursuit what is stopping me from showing the affection I have towards those whom I love. I’ve started writing in a diary again, and this time it’s not as childish as it may seem. Yes, I have restrained from communicating with most of my friends, which is at a phase self-provoking myself?

Okay, the joyous moment is over, and I feel as if something inside of me is stopping my inner happiness from finding a way into the region of my life. I often think I just need to massage my temples on my forehead, which I doubt. Although I think it did work at once.

Anyway, I hate to say this… but I feel like I’m in a state of denial, almost encountering blasphemy, and moving away from what I believe is the truth.

I’ve been procrastinating, again. I need to get my English assignments done, which I haven’t even started. In fact I need to get a lot completed by the end of the week, which is more or less impossible. Why does this bothers me? I don’t know, I just feel as if it’s holding me back from actually getting back my life. Not that I have lost it…

When I see people living in shoddier conditions than me, I feel like a failure. I feel as if I’ve been so selfish. But then again… Why is it we always look to those living better? Do we know if they are undergoing pure bliss and true happiness?

I need to be off to bed now. I’ve made a sort of treaty with someone. Although they do not know I’m still up for it, still loyal to them. And it is that I shall sleep earlier. Make use of my time. Even if I do think I’m parasomnic, it’s just a state of mind. =D

I also wrote a poem recently… dum dumm dummm http://poem.mibba.com/137409/Refusal-to-live

It really hits me in the face when I think I’m addressing this to someone. I’m not. It’s just me. Treat yourself with respect in order to get respect. It’s true, trust me. The more I fight myself, the more I waste my time reminding myself I am lucky and fortunate, the more I will be.

Okay, I’m going to be off now. Like I said… I DO NOT suffer from insomnia… argh